Oh, and I'm back on Wordpress now, FOR now, officially, temporarily, WHATEVER.

Add me there. Again. Or not. :)

http://blackdove.wordpress.com/

oh yeah. . .you can add it so you can read it through LJ:

http://syndicated.livejournal.com/bd78/

I'm back on the Livejournal train, (temporarily before taking up more permanent residence at Wordpress) after feeling pressure and drama to not let Myspace get the better of me. I lost that battle, not because of the drama, but because of my inability to not let it get to me. There was an awakening of sorts, and I realized that I, once again, was going against one of my life's mottos: "Selfishness is not living your life as you choose, it's expecting others to live their lives as you choose." I had a hard time following that, and I took the cheap and easy way out, and simply left Myspace.

I am having issues with this, as you can imagine.

Please, someone tell me how it is possible to maintain a long term relationship without trying to change the person you are with. I love Luke - I loved him when I met him and I love him even more today. I accepted him as-is, and wouldn't have chosen to make anything different back then (except normal human flaws, which quite honestly, the man had very little of). Is it only controlling women that do this? I seem to see it everywhere, in every age, gender and type of relationship. How many of you know men who can't even hang out with their friends anymore because their woman is so controlling. Or women who can't even talk to their male friends anymore because their boyfriend will have a jealousy fit? This is the person I strive NOT to be, yet every bit of me struggles against it.

Could it be that once enough time goes by, the flaws begin to show themselves, and we're trying to change the person back to who they were? Or is it that we (I) have to be in control of everything in our lives, and eventually that reaches out to touch the ones closest to us? "They" say it's a product of insecurity, and I *guess* I believe that, but. . . but, I'm really confident and actually egotistical and I love myself and my life, so the whole insecurity thing is really lost to me. Yeah, yeah, there are days I feel too fat to leave the house, and certain people can make me feel really OLD, and some strippers can make me lament over my baby fat from my 12-year-old non-baby, but all in all I think I'm a great catch, and being driven to change someone in fear of losing them just seems out of place for me.

I am fortunate enough that I catch myself in these thought patterns, and try to change them as soon as possible. The only problem is, I don't know how to make the FEELINGS go away. I can change my actions, like leaving Myspace and leaving Luke the hell alone with the things I want to say, but these are surface changes and will only eat a hole into my heart if I don't deal with the blood and guts of it all.

I'm just not sure where to begin.

Our photos from the fantastic Mina Bast will be featured at Art Walk this Thursday in Pioneer Square. That means big, blown up images of me and Luke's half naked bodies ;) Greeting cards too! Crazy.

Anyway, come check it out! Buy us!!

Art Walk
114 Alaskan Way #506
THIS Thursday (the 4th)

Anytime after 6. . .

See you there!

I'm a little drunk tonight, and fire rumbles in my veins, these pages etched with chicken wire, passing slowly through your fingertips. The breath of former geniuses fogging up my focus, lost thoughts on foreign papers, buried deeply in their tombs. Will they ever see light again? Will the moment come when mountains crumble and desolate wastelands grow rich with fruits, as wild as our imaginations?

No, alas, those moments have passed, and stories of bitter old women and maladjusted kings will remain restless in their chambers, waiting, perhaps for another artist, brilliant with her stroke, with a light bright enough to reach their withered faces, cold and broken, to unearth them from their shallow graves.

Until then, I will sit with these thoughts, these words, which no one can bring out of me. I will watch as others answer the call, brilliant descriptions of wars won, loves lost, and that delicate balance between passion and death.

oh yeah, and while I'm at it. . . if any of you were interested to read the Pros and Cons of open relationships that came out in the magaizine last month, here it is :)

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=76142&blogID=425841840&indicate=1

So I was reading a friend of mines journal asking what the pro's of being single were. I knew at one point I'd posted a "Pros and Cons of Living Alone," and I went to find it. I found it, written 5 years ago TO THE DAY, when I had just ended a two year relationship and was living alone in Kirkland.

I wrote this to a response in the comments:

"I almost hope sometimes (oh, I hope I don't regret hoping this), that I'll get Evicted, just so I'll be forced to buy a cute little apartment in Seattle. One of those older ones in a brick building, with some unique characteristic, like a mural wall. "

It's a little ironic, that's all. Not only was it to the day, but it's exactly what I'm in now. We even have the mural.

I guess I knew I was exactly where I wanted to be, I just didn't realize it was so. . .precise. I guess you really can manifest your reality :)


K: Here's the original post, not as inspiring as I'd hoped, but there's a few pros in there that might help ya :)

http://blackdove1978.livejournal.com/2003/08/22/

Did a steamy new photo shoot with Mina Bast. It was. .. amazing to say the least. It's one thing to make love to your partner. . . it's entirely different knowing each moment will be captured on film. Really slowing down and taking the time to touch, to feeeeeel. . . god I sound like a hippie.

Was experiencing some body issues for a little while there. Talked about it a bit on Myspace blog. Anyway. Mina is so amazing, she really really made me feel sexy, and the photos actually turned out way better than I'd hoped. I keep looking at them just to see how beautiful Luke is.

I'm a sap today. Anyway. Pics are up, check them out on my Myspace.

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=76142&albumId=2951790

Here's a sample :)

That was horrible.

I ate ice cream for dinner. So I went to the gym and ran on the elliptical for a solid hour. I came home and was so fucking hungry from my workout, I ate two pieces of lasagna and two bowls of sugar smacks.

Damn. Bulimia never looked so good.

Well here I am again, quitting smoking. It seems a little harder this time than the last time, as the cravings are more often and more intense. This time it's definitely mind over matter though. I said I wouldn't smoke past the age of 30, and damnit, I won't. I'm trying to avoid triggers right now, like coffee and my back porch. Ugh. Went to a party last night though and totally pulled it off.

My daughter got contacts yesterday. It's weird watching her go back and forth. Glasses make your face change so much, and it was weird adapting to her little girl face suddenly having glasses every day. Now it's weird going back. She's so pretty though, and I'm glad her huge green eyes are once again visible to the world :)

Um, me and that guy I was seeing for a few months called it quits last week. Or slowed down, but it feels like quits. I honestly thought I was done doing all that, you know, the shit that I do, but it appears having an open relationship doesn't protect people outside that relationship from my fickle heart. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. How do you maintain a great relationship for months on end, with not one blip, then one day you look at that person and see them as a good friend but not much else? I don't understand myself, and I'm back to that same thing I've felt for years, where I'm afraid to date anyone because I know in the end I will hurt them. I could literally repost the same journal entry from last year when Eric and I broke up.

My only saving grace is Luke, knowing he and I have maintained so strongly for quite a while now. He's my only proof that I don't have something really fucked up with me, or some inability to maintain close, intimate relationships. Anyway, I feel like shit about it. I know we'll be "friends" again. . I was just. . .really optimistic and hopeful of where our relationship would go.

I'm also feeling strangely displaced lately. I think I have too much time on my hands. I think Luke and I together have too much free time. I never thought I'd say this, but waking up in the morning with nothing to do is kinda getting old. I'm so fucking grateful we don't have to go to work (what is that??, who can NOT work?), but I think it's put us in too close of quarters for too long. We're not even bitching at each other or anything. . .just kinda. . . blah. God. I'm rereading this and I sound like such a spoiled brat. I'm gonna stop now.

In other news, he finally bought a motorcycle. I'm simultaneously thrilled for him, and scared for him. He was born to ride a bike, and his overall being is just. . .complete. . .when he has one, so for that I am grateful and so happy to see him happy. I'm also worried about him riding, cuz he's a madman. I don't know. In many ways he's a professional, so I know he won't overdo it, and I think this bike is too heavy to do wheelies on the freeway with, so that stress is gone. I just don't like having to think of losing the most important person in me and Audrey's life.

Anyway. Update complete :) Hope you're all well.

I'm bitchy today. I'm tired of things not working out as I plan them to. Yes, yes, that's selfish and egocentric of me - but hell, some things are just supposed to be a certain way, ya know? Some things are a given.

In other news, we've been dealt blow after blow on the home front. Luke lost his job. Ouch. His money making job. This is not settling well with me and I find myself freaking out inside each day that goes by. It's "ok" for now, but I know the day will come soon when we're gonna be too tight, and I'm hoping it won't be too late.

Add to this the fact that we're both trying to sell our vehicles. The day he was going to put his up online, someone stole the catalytic converter off his truck. Who does that??? Fortunately he's mechanically inclined and fixed it (with a welder, yum), for $65 instead of the $850 the dealership was going to charge him.

Next up is my car. I was supposed to sell the thing at noon Saturday. The guy canceled, and thank god for it, because not an hour later the thing blew up on me. Dead. Fortunately I have a mother who loves me and she took out the money to buy me a new car. I have to pay her back of course, but what a nice cushion. It's a shitty little Mazda, but hey, it runs and it's red, so I'm happy.

Oh, when will my days of being a starving student end?? Oh yeah. . .two more years. I can't WAIT to use my degree to make a shit ton of money, to take care of everyone who has been taking care of me through my schooling.

Anyway. What else? I guess I've been getting a lot of little jobs here and there, so that's nice. It's a nice buffer while Luke's down.

We shall see what else June has to offer. 6 more days til it's over and I can't fucking wait.